So I’ve not been having a lot of success garnering attention for my writing. To fix the sitch, I was looking at some advice on the internet on how to increase my views; the title of this piece I think should help do the trick.
Cause what I learned to increase traffic on this techno trash heap of advice called the internet, was to find words people are looking for and use those trendy words to garner hits. Doesn’t really matter much if you have something authentic to say, just make a whole lot of content geared towards those words and then profit!
The idea is essentially to sellout hard to what people want to hear and not say your truth or what is important to the individual writer, rather suppress all that truth blather and pump out drivel instead. Sounds good to me! All that honesty crap wasn’t getting me anywhere.
The problem with good writing is that it takes time, contemplation, research, editing, re-editing…Ugghh, ain’t got no time for that!
In an age where everyone feels free to shamelessly pander and lie to get attention, I realized I was silly for placing value on authentic communication. It’s much more profitable to filibuster the keyword de jour so no one can get any useful messaging across that might be the slightest bit of help.
After all, why really help someone to understand something when you can fill their heads with confusion and maybe get them making several more searches that you can also profit from. It’s like the doctor’s oath – “Don’t cure someone when you can profit off them forever treating the symptoms.” That’s how it goes right?
Anyways, I don’t want to waste my newly acquired attention by prattling on here about my philosophy of fully selling out.
I promised some things in the title and by god I’m going to deliver that promise.
So without further ado…
How to make a million dollars!
People make getting rich a lot harder than it needs to be. All you have to do is start simple. Let me ask you this, do you have a dollar to your name today? Because that’s all you need. Take that dollar and put it in a piggy bank. Tomorrow do the same and everyday after, and soon in only one million days you’ll have a million dollars and all your money troubles will be over. You’re welcome.
Sex!
People really seem to like sex. So I’m going to titillate the senses with this salacious imagery below:
I don’t know about you, but flies bumping uglies really gets the juices flowing. Damn that’s nice!
Cat Videos!
I personally have three cats I consider some of my bestest friends. Checkout some super awesome fur-balls in the compilation below:
Damn they are cute!
Cure Depression in 7 Easy Steps!
I hear people whining about depression a lot, so I thought I’d help to make the world a happier place with some easy to follow steps for endless joy:
- Read this article. You’re doing great so far!
- Don’t stab yourself. The latest research has shown that stabbing yourself with sharp objects causes discontent and needless visits to emergency rooms. Avoid doing that.
- Hug trees. Trees need love too, stop denying them. Being that we humans are dependent on trees it only stands to reason that by hugging a tree you are also hugging the whole of humanity. How can you be depressed when you’re symbolically hugging the whole of humanity?
- Drink water. If you don’t drink water you won’t feel very good and may even die. So be sure to at least have one glass of water every month.
- Make friends. People are lonelier than ever now and getting really down about it all. Instead of being lonely make some friends and be happy together. It may sound counterintuitive I know, but try talking to people and asking them to be your new friend and you’ll quickly find joy you never knew possible.
- Look at Brad Pitt. That’s one sexy man! Not your thing? Checkout Scarlett Johansson. What a hottie! You’re feeling less depressed already, I can tell.
- Stop being depressed. You’ve got all these negative thoughts you’re believing, stories you’re telling yourself and making yourself miserable. Like I’m not good enough, not smart enough, I’ve got too much money, my wiener is too big, too many people sexually objectify me…I’ve heard it all before. Instead of getting down about it all, just accept what’s there and be with things. Live in the now and make conscious actions to abandon all that nonsense and live your best life!!!
If you like what you’ve seen here, as I’m quite sure you have, then be sure to smash that like button with thunderous force! Subscribe and throw money at me, bathe me with your attention and adoration. Tell your friends; force your kids to imbibe my god like energy. Divorce your spouse and marry me instead! Quit your job, give away all your stuff, and join the cult of me! And most critically, USE MORE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
